Written by Val Fowke (Children and Young Person’s Counsellor)
Children feel grief in the same way as adults but may have a different way of expressing it.
Younger children may not realise that death is permanent so may not initially appear upset. Children may ask questions such as ‘What it is like to be dead?’ and ‘What happens when someone dies?’. Young children may not show their distress and will often want to play, which can include acting out death scenarios, but may also show short periods of intense sadness, irritability, anger or changes in mood. This is known as ‘Puddle Jumping’ where children appear to jump in and out of their grief. This will support their processing of their bereavement.
Behaviour changes are normal. Young children who can not articulate distress may find it difficult to separate from you and other familiar adults, to attend school and take part in hobbies and tasks they normally enjoy. You may notice children regressing to behaviours from the time before the death. This can look like wanting to share beds with parents/ carers, bedwetting and/or an increase in tantrums for young children and dysregulation.
The presentation of symptoms associated with anxiety are common in grief such as children looking to control aspects of their daily life, including play. Repetition of aspects of routines and an increased dependency on parents/ carers is common. Separation anxiety can present for children and young people as they can fear something bad happening to the people around them and seek reassurance that you are ok. Children will often complain of minor illnesses such as tummy and headaches or feeling sick or show changes in sleeping and eating patterns. Sensory seeking behaviours for neurodiverse children may also increase.
Older children and teenagers may appear to withdraw or isolate themselves from family and friend groups. Children and young people can worry about practical elements associated with changes following a bereavement such as ‘Who will take care of them?’, ‘Will we have enough money?’, ‘How will I get to school?’ or ‘Can we still live here?’.
Establishing and continuing familiar routines and boundaries ,as much as possible, following the bereavement will help to keep children and young people feeling safe. Encouraging conversations with your child or young person relating to the person who has died and helping them understand death will support them to talk and encourage feelings to present and support them to grow with their grief.
We all grieve in different ways but there are many commonalities within the grieving process which are normal responses to a bereavement.
At Edward’s Trust we can offer support and advice to those supporting bereaved children whether your a parent/ carer, family member or professional we are here to help.
The following link has a list of recommended books that can support conversations around death and grief: https://edwardstrust.org.uk/news/seven-childrens-books-about-bereavement-and-grief/
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